After she analyzed me from head to toe, the woman took me to her office and had pictures on the wall of cute ordinary next door type girls and super models like Cindy Crawford and so on.
She asked me which girls on the wall did I compare myself to and in all honesty, I said the next-door type.
As soon as I said that, she said "You have such an unrealistic attitude". "The industry will chew you up and spit you out."
I told her she was very unprofessional and I took my photos and walked out. I was crushed and I didn't know what to do. Those words were so harsh and they penetrated deep into my soul.
I began to believe them and not like what I saw in the mirror. I hated myself and wished I wasn't born. I had a loving friend named Robert who wrote me a letter and had given me a rose to remind me of my beauty and worth but I didn't to want to believe it. I was blinded and hurt until one evening I went to church service and asked a beautiful lady friend of mine named Liz, If I was ugly. She responded "You are beautifully and wonderfully made by God"and she read me the verse in Psalm 139. I began to read it for myself until it sinked into my soul and transformed my inner being. When I looked into the mirror, I started to like what I saw and appreciate and know that God does not make junk. I was beautiful and loved.
After months passed, I went to another audition but this time at Jonathan Robert Powers just to see what they would say but this time I was ready for the good and the bad, meaning the comments and rejections were not going to harm me.
The audition went great, and the lady there said I was beautiful and I had a great facial profile but my weight was a bit heavy. LOL inside of me I was like
"ok I'm 108 pounds if I get skinnier, I'll be bones".
So I said thank you with a smile and left but this time gleaming and very pleased. I did not need validation anymore and I grew confident in whom I was becoming and because I was a child of God, I felt like a princess.
In the picture below, at the age of 19 was when my low self esteem issues took place. I was surely blinded. LOL
You may wonder, if I still go through low self esteem issues, sure I do but I do not let them control me and it never takes me to that dark place. If I'm having a bad hair day, I make it a good hair day, hello hats and ponytails look cute too. :) If I look tired, I put on concealer and you know I like makeup. I'm not obsessed with it and I only wear it when I go out. Since I'm a stay at home mom, I do not need to wear it everyday. The point I'm trying to make is that I absolutely will not let these things affect me. I know who I am and who created me and I'm happy.
I Was So Blinded by Marian Marrero
I would look in a mirror and not like what I see
My mind was made up that I was ugly
My confidence was destroyed
I didn't know who I was
I was so blinded
I was so blinded that I didn't even want to live
My dreams were shattered
I thought I had nothing to give
I was totally confused until I heard and read His Word
I looked into the bible and read Psalm 139
the part where it say we are beautifully created
He formed me in His image
So I was special all along, satan played me for a fool and took away my song
You see the word of God is life
Only He sees and says the truth
Satan is a liar! He wants to deceive you
So don't be blinded
You have so much more to give
You are God's creation and that's why you should live
You are special!
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.